Physicists to Build Big Truck Super Collider

Hope to discover previously unknown levels of fun.

(June 24, 2008) A team of physicists in Phoenix, Arizona announced today that construction has begun on the world's first and "most totally awesome" big truck super collider. Based on traditional particle accelerators, which use massive, powerful magnets to fling subatomic particles around giant underground tunnels at near light speed, the Super Cool Big Truck Super Collider (SCBTSC) will do something similar. Only instead of mere particles, it will propel full-sized, fully-loaded tractor trailers up to 78% of the speed of light — about 523 million miles per hour — through 18 miles of underground tube and then smash them into each other.

"The results will be spectacular," said Alexander Rivers, the head of the SCBTSC project. "Really truly glorious!"

"So totally sweet," added Assistant Director Gregory Dobbins, giggling and bouncing around like a schoolgirl.

Rivers explains the how the SCBTSC works: "Okay, so you've got this big, circular tunnel, right? And it's got all these electromagnets ringed all around it, magnets so strong they'll suck the iron right out of your blood. These magnets are what will accelerate the trucks. But first we'll load up the trailers with stuff. I think for the first try we'll fill up one truck with plasma TVs and the other with bowling balls. Then we put the trucks in the tunnel and get them zipping around at over 500 million miles an hour, then direct them into a head-on collision and WHAM!"

"Oh man, oh man, oh man," said Dobbins, excitedly gnawing on his fist. "It'll be so freakin' awesome."

Depiction of the Super Cool Big Truck Super Collider in action an instant before impact. Each truck is moving at approximately 500,000,000 MPH.

At a projected cost of 25 billion dollars, much of which will come from government funds, Rivers and his team have been criticized for wasting taxpayer money. He responds: "Are you kidding? What do you think Joe Taxpayer would rather have? Some boring, same-old collider that smashes almost invisible particles that only makes more invisible particles and a bunch of other phenomena that even physicists don't understand? Like that Large Hadron Collider over there in Europe. Does the public even know what a hadron is? Do they even care? I doubt it. I've seen other accelerators in action. Trust me, it's boring. Just a bunch of squiggles and graphs and numbers on a monitor. A real yawn-fest. Now ours, ours will make the most collosal, most totally awesome smash-ups in the history of the world. That's something Joe Taxpayer will appreciate! And yes, we'll be taking plenty of video. The public will definitely be getting its money's worth out of this project."

Other physicists have also questioned the SCBTSC and whether any useful information can be gained from it. "Hah!" says Rivers. "What are they going to do with the Large Hadron Collider? Try to find some imaginary thing called a Higgs boson? Who cares about that? Even if they do find it, what good will it be? Is your life going to be any better because of it? Useful? Please. What we're going to discover here is previously unknown levels of fun. Everybody likes fun."

"FUN!" yelled Dobbins, his bespectacled eyes shining with maniacal glee. "KABLOOEY! WHEEEE!"